Dearest Mother
by zemira
Summary: Posted from Ao3: Following years of upheaval and sacrifice, Akashi crafts a letter to his mother for the anniversary of her passing, filling her in on the many events that shaped who he is in the present. Format of fic may be messed up due to ffnet's publishing.


This is a **'What If'** scenario fic, so keep in mind a lot of what happens in this fic, would probably never happen. The letter format and flashbacks might be screwed up due to ffnet publishing. Letter parts are in italics and flashbacks are in - due to the restrictions of this website, , so please visit ao3 to see the fic in its real and less confusing form.

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The blades of the ceiling fan continued to spin, supplying the dark room with a mellow breeze and an adequate temperature. Yet, as pleasant as the atmosphere was, it wasn't enough to ease the one staring up at it into slumber. Blinking back the moisture that had been gathering from the solid, unmoving minutes he had been staring, Akashi sighed inaudibly. No matter how comfortable he may have been, his mind was the complete opposite, and refused to quell its constant wandering.

After heavily debating, he slowly eased his way out from the sheets and crept through the darkness. If sleep was impossible at the moment, staring up at the fan wasn't going to pass the time any quicker. Besides, if he didn't answer his mind's current dilemma, there would be no possible way he would be able to put it to rest for the night.

He bit back the urge to groan at the glowing numbers on the bedside clock. Nearly three in the morning. Hopefully after he accomplished what he needed to, he would be able to get some decent sleep, even if it would only be for a few hours.

Flicking on the light, he ignored the pile of papers he had left stacked on his desk for the night. That nuisance could be dealt with later in the day, but they were hindering the reason why he had journeyed here. He pushed them aside, paying no mind to when the movement caused them to scatter from their once organized pile.

He had more pressing concerns.

As his subconscious was evidently aware, the day about to dawn was one of importance. Seijuro hadn't observed the occasion in ages, but he finally felt prepared to do so. Two years it had been since the last time he'd sat down to write one of the letters. Today being the anniversary of his mother's passing had convinced him it was finally the correct moment to renew that practice.

Tapping the end of his pen against the desk, Seijuro was pensive. It had been difficult to come to this decision; his guilt at slacking in the task his head opponent. That, and also the sheer chaos that had been his life following when he'd reclaimed control from the other self that now slept within him, only occasionally making his presence known.

The question was- how to even start. A lot had transpired in those two years. Many dreadful events had happened, one more severe after the other, and had altered his life and twisted it in a new direction. One he had been completely unprepared for.

But he wouldn't change it for anything. Not with what he had gained in the end.

The pen's tip dug into the paper as he pressed down, the dark ink embedding a small mark. It was then that he realized if he sat there sorting through his thoughts, the letter would never be written. It was best to just relax his mind and allow the words to flow as they came through bit by bit.

And that was exactly what they did.

 _Dearest Mother,_ _It's been some time since we last spoke. I deeply apologize, for you see, a lot has happened in the last time I wrote to you. One event in particular has hindered me from writing you, but I promise to get to that later._ _Now, where should I begin?_ _Picking up where my last letter left off, my team at Teiko went on to win our third consecutive championship. With that success, and my remarkable grades, I completed graduation and moved forward._ _As I'm sure you've known, father wanted me to attend an elite high school. So, following his wishes, I chose one in Kyoto. There I continued with my interest in basketball, and I was honored when they asked me to be their captain. My team consisted of a unique bunch of individuals. Our first impressions of each other_ _were questionable to say the least, especially with the vice-captain._

 **\- - -** Their introductions were brief, the Rakuzan players swiftly becoming acquainted with the one whom would now be their captain before migrating away to where the coach stood. All but one. Akashi lifted his eyes from the clipboard in his hands when he realized he was being studied, and peered up at the raven staring at him. Elevating a thin brow, he frowned, waiting for the other to speak, but no words followed.

"Mibuchi Reo, was it? What is keeping you here?"

The team's vice-captain continued to grace him with a strange glance, only provoking his irritability. Lowering the clipboard to his side, Seijuro narrowed his mismatched eyes, assuming it would be intimidating enough for the other to voice what was on his mind.

And when Mibuchi finally did, it only managed to further cement his annoyance.

"Are you really the Generation of Miracles' captain?"

Akashi repressed the urge to snap, not wanting to begin a feud with his new teammate the very first day they met.

"Yes," he replied curtly, "and what about that concerns you?"

Reo's bewilderment vanished, the corners of his lips angling skywards as they morphed into a small grin.

"Sorry," he laughed softly, "I was having a hard time believing someone so adorable could be that person."

Seijuro sputtered, not expecting such a flirtatious reply. How was he going to answer that without making himself look like a total fool? He glared up at the beaming one, brows furrowed. In turn, Reo only graced him with a wink, thick ebony lashes fluttering above his bright eyes.

"Don't worry," he crooned, as if he had a window into the new leader's thought process, "I think we'll get along just fine … Sei-chan." **\- - -**

Akashi paused to chuckle at the memory.

 _Reo is quite an odd one, that's for sure. But we did get along, rather well, in fact. Apart from him, however, combining myself was simple enough._ _Given that Rakuzan was already an elite team, there wasn't much to do to whip them into shape. Their teamwork was likely superior to Teiko's, as everyone knew their role and had no qualms performing. So, it wasn't any of a surprise when we won through the premiere rounds of the Winter Cup without any restrictions. There, as expected, I reunited with my former teammates, each of them now playing for the school of their choice. And while I had faced and overcame one of them within the playoffs, the final match was completely unpredictable._

 _Out of all my former comrades, Kuroko was the one I least believed would make it to the final round. His skills weren't the type where he could claim victory himself, but he had a new partner of boundless ability. And when together, we were unable to stand against their combination. Rakuzan was defeated for the very first time, and by an unexpected opponent. It was a blow to our reputation, and as much as I was distraught, it proved to be the key that led to my freedom._

The pen came to a halt. Clenching it in his hand, Seijuro debated heavily on how he was going to put the next part into words. It was a secret he'd kept heavily guarded, and he'd only allowed those who were close to him to know the truth.

 _Freedom is an odd way of putting it. But the shock of that defeat made me more like myself, for many a reason. Afterwards, everything seemed off, as though I was looking through the eyes of someone else, and in a way, I was. Reo, of course, was the first to notice, but even I myself was perplexed on how to explain what was happening._

 **\- - -** Tokyo's nightly view was well illuminated by the numerous lights that grazed the city. The winter air was strangely comfortable, with just a slight chill to it. A pair of hands rested on the balcony railing, gripping the metal and ignoring how frigid it felt against their skin. Akashi sighed, leaning over the railing to collect a better glimpse of the city below the elevated hotel. He couldn't explain the turmoil that was spiraling through him right now. All he knew was he felt content, despite the various emotions that were battling within him.

The balcony doors then slid open, hauling him from his thoughts, as his teammate joined him.

"Sei-chan." Reo was frowning, brows furrowed in confusion. "Are you all right? You've been out of it for a bit now. I know us losing is probably bothering you, but you shouldn't let it get to you like this."

Akashi waved a hand to dismiss the assumption, still gazing at the night scene rather than his comrade.

"That's not the reason, Mibuchi, and I'm absolutely fine. Quite at ease, actually. More at ease than I've felt in a long time."

Reo's nose wrinkled. "Did you just call me by my surname? Now I know you're definitely not okay. You need rest, Sei-chan. It's been a tiring day."

The Rakuzan captain continued to stare ahead, his position not once moving. "I'll be in soon. I want to stay out here a bit longer. I feel as though I haven't seen the night sky since forever."

His response did nothing to soothe Reo, and Akashi was made aware of that fact when the other teen exhaled in slight exasperation. Mibuchi's position remained static, curious eyes locked on the troubled figure before him.

"If that's what you want, Sei-chan, but please don't hesitate to come talk if you need to. Okay? I'm really worried about you."

The sound of footsteps retreating was then momentarily heard, followed by the opening and closing of the balcony doors. Solitude regained, Seijuro's focus pinpointed to the view below. It wasn't that he didn't trust his comrade. In fact, Reo was one of the rare few he did confide in. But right now, even he himself couldn't put into words what was occurring. The relief felt divine, but the confusion and the changes in his world were troubling.

What he direly needed was time to collect his thoughts. The problem was, he was clueless on where to begin. **\- - -**

 _I knew very well what it was, and trying to explain it to Reo would have proven difficult. There is another me, another Seijuro. One that is more hardened_ _than myself, and is more relentless in obtaining victory, and he is the reason I haven't written for quite some time now._ _Before then, we had switched in and out multiple times, but there were a few mishaps that encouraged him to remain permanently, for my own protection. Or so I had thought._

Seijuro slumped in his chair, drumming the pen against the desk. A fact he'd kept sacred had just been revealed, and though it was rather vital, that wasn't the intention of this letter. The sole purpose had yet to be written. A large, if not the largest, piece of his life that had taken him on an unexpected yet rewarding journey. The reason why he stood in this position today, rather than where he would have been if he allowed himself to be pulled along by the tide of his father's ambitions.

 _I can't say that was the only positive aspect of that game. Yet there was another event that I hadn't foreseen which led me to where I stand today._ _Years ago, I never would have believed that I, who preferred to be on my own, would discover that wasn't the case. Those rare few who do know of our relationship were a bit surprised. For it seems like my lover is the last person capable of snaring my interest. Although, how we met is quite humorous and a trifle absurd_ , _if I say so myself._ _Our first two encounters weren't exactly easygoing._

 **\- - -** How _was_ one to act in front of someone whom they'd frightened when calling a meeting with their former teammates, and then later on, startled them even more when they faced off on the basketball court? Engrossed in a swirl of troubling thoughts after Seirin's victory, he'd then taken things a step further toward chaos by crashing into that very same boy. Said boy had only managed a jittery apology before scrambling off, leaving the Rakuzan captain utterly dumbfounded.

The fourth encounter had been no more than a week later. Having returned to Tokyo for a shopping trip with Reo a few days before the holiday, Seijuro had collided with the same brunet he knew he had embedded a permanent mark of fear in. He quickly recovered, realizing the boy had once more tumbled backwards, the same jumbled apology expelling from his lips as he collected his things.

But instead of silently watching him run off, Akashi reached out a hand as to hinder him from escaping once more. It was apparent in this boy's mind, that he was some horrible creature that did nothing but bring fear into the veins of others.

"Wait. Can you-"

The boy, on the other hand, didn't care to hear what he had to say, and after bowing his head in another apology, quickly huffed, glaring at Mibuchi beside him who was giggling was this so difficult?All he wanted was to apologize for how he… or should he say, the other him, had acted and now he'd managed to permanently scar the terrified Seirin player.

It was early spring when they crossed paths time it was in a book store that had recently opened. Furihata had one hand cupped over his nose as the novel he had been absorbed in had smashed into it violently in their collision. Lifting himself up first, Akashi offered a hand to assist the fallen male up, hoping at least he wasn't startling him by performing such an innocent act.

When the boy stood at his complete height, mouth raring to mumble out another mortified apology, Seijuro raised a hand to dissuade him.

"Can you stop apologizing? Every time we've run into each other, it was both of our faults, not only yours."

Furihata appeared bewildered by the reprimand, and elevated his gaze from the other's shoes to stare into his crimson orbs.

"Ah, sor-"

"You were about to do it again," Akashi interrupted with a weary sigh, "Look, I'm kind of grateful we've… crashed into each other again. I've been meaning to talk to you, Furihata, but every time I attempted to do so, you ran from me."

He grimaced at the silence clouding the air between them. They were getting nowhere, and he felt like all he'd accomplished was magnifying the fear the boy already felt.

"If you don't mind," Akashi prefaced, "I'd like to go elsewhere to talk instead of in the streets. Is that all right with you?

To his relief, Furihata finally responded, in the form of a reluctant nod.

"There's a café a few stores down. It's usually quiet during this time."

His compliance had been granted, yet Furihata remained unchanged during their journey to the eatery. Finally glancing at his companion with open confusion, Seijuro decided to inquire further. He was instead cut off by the birth of a question from the other male's lips.

"So, are you on break right now, or anything?"

An ordinary question. Thrown, he stared blankly at the one beside him, unable to comprehend the shift in tone.

"Does your school have breaks?" Furihata wondered aloud, thin hazel irises contemplative as they chanced a look his way. "Maybe you don't, so I just wanted to ask… uh-"

"Rakuzan may be a boarding institution, but we have breaks like any other school," Akashi cut across his rambling, coming across more stern than he'd intended. "Some of the students do like to visit home occasionally, after all."

Rattled by the answer, Furihata's shoulders tensed up, and he quickly replaced his gaze straight ahead, focusing more on the sidewalk than anything else. Next to him, Seijuro struggled with brainstorming how he could remedy it. It was becoming increasingly clear that he didn't have the first clue of how to tweak his behavior so as not to offend his guest.

And that was proving to be a problem, as he rather hoped to smooth things over. It wasn't a necessary achievement, just one he'd taken upon himself to carry out. Now that he was more himself, he hoped to pave the way for being seen as more sociable. It wasn't as if he wanted people to fear him, after all. Furihata was the first step in that campaign by distance.

Thankfully for both of them, their arrival at the café was swift.

"What can I get for you to drink?"

"Oh, I don't really need anything," Furihata responded, studying the table's surface. Taking his measure, Akashi noted the stiffness of his posture, the soft strains of his voice. His calm was forced, and he was barely holding it together. That wouldn't do.

"Two green teas, please," he instructed the waiter at their side, handing off the neat stack of menus to the man before he disappeared.

To his act of hospitality, the other teen said nothing.

Suppressing the urge to say something he'd probably regret, Seijuro instead waited, letting his mind filter through his intentions to find some better wording. While he did so, he tracked Furihata's gaze drifting toward the window, outside of which people strode past in groups of varying size. His lip curled downward – was he truly that vile that someone his own age couldn't muster the will to face him head on?

"I hope you will accept the apology I have to give to you. I wasn't entirely courteous when we first met."

Furihata's head snapped up, lips parting slightly in surprise. Good, it appeared he had his attention at least. That was something. Now he had to follow through.

"At the time, for a long time," he corrected himself, "there was a lot going on in my life. That led me to act in ways I'm not proud of. Looking back on it all, I regret it very much. That incident is only one of many, so you'd be well within your rights not to forgive my rudeness. But I hope that you will."

He watched as various emotions crossed the other's face before he finally settled on one – confusion once more.

"I guess I'm not sure why you'd pick me to say sorry to. If there's as many other incidents as you say there are, then I'm probably not very important in the scheme of things, am I? It was only that one time we really had any… problem."

"Because I truly want to make amends. With everyone in time, if that's possible. For whatever reason, you and I have continually bumped into each other. I'll admit it wasn't my plan to go right to you, but fate seems to have other intentions. The last few times though, you left before I could apologize in a proper manner."

He studied the unmoving form across from him. Furihata remained questioning, as though he didn't understand his concept. Sighing wearily, Akashi searched his mind for another topic, one that would maybe ease the reluctance in the other boy.

But then to his surprise, Furihata spoke once again.

"… That's really nice of you," he mumbled, "Um. I kind of… er, I didn't think you would be someone to do something like that." His eyes elevated from the tea cup now placed beside him, when he noticed it had grown silent. His hands rose, shaking back and forth in an apologetic manner. "What I mean is! I didn't mean… that wasn't what I was trying to say!"

Discarding the other's rambling, Akashi shrugged. "It's fine. I know what you were trying to say. Don't concern yourself over it."

Instead of responding, Furihata slowly lifted the teacup to his lips, taking a quick sip before putting it down. The strange action caused the Rakuzan captain to raise a dark brow.

"You're not fond of tea, are you? I apologize. I should have respected the fact that you didn't want anything."

"Er, no," Furihata objected, "That's not it. I-I like it, but I just feel weird that you did that. You didn't have to get me anything, really."

Akashi hummed in response, crimson orbs studying the wary teen before him. It seemed like their little discussion still hadn't diminished his nerves. Perhaps in good time, he would satisfy his curiosity by asking Furihata a bit more about himself. It would seem odd if one was dragged off by a complete stranger, just for the sole purpose of an apology.

"Have you happened to see Kuroko during your break?" Seijuro hoped the topic change would settle the tense atmosphere.

Furihata nodded.

"Do you have a clue of his current whereabouts?"

Even though he had squared everything with Tetsuya, there was still a few more matters that weren't sealed up entirely.

"Uh, probably Maji Burger, or at the basketball courts... most likely."

He nodded. "Ah, and Kagami?"

"Most likely with him," was the soft reply, "They're around each other a lot."

"I see. I will have to make a trip there then after our lunch." He spied the other teen's jaw drop. "Don't think I'm rushing out on you right now. That would be rather rude of me, no?"

Furihata nodded, cheeks strangely a bit flushed. Had he said something else to upset him? Searching his mind, Seijuro settled on a topic that he knew would peak the other's interest.

"Well, since we'll be here for a little while longer, why don't you tell me more about yourself? You know, besides that fact you play for Seirin." **\- - -**

 _After that fifth encounter, we didn't see each other anymore. By the time autumn had come, my life was slowly returning to the original path it had been on. We had a game against a team in Tokyo, and that was when I saw him again._ _Surprisingly, he didn't seem as antsy as the last time we spoke, and I couldn't figure out why that was such a relief to me. He was an ordinary boy, with no exceptional skills. And I had only spent one afternoon with him before, but for some odd reason, I was gaining an interest in him. After that encounter, we began to run into each other more, but I'm almost certain it was because I was arranging that without him having any knowledge._ _It was ridiculous. Like a naïve schoolgirl with a crush, and yet I wanted to know more about him._

There was just something about him I couldn't put my finger on. Perhaps, maybe, I was a tad envious that he lived a traditional life, with no pressure placed upon him.

 _Eventually, we became friends… if I could call it that. We began to spend more time around another to a point where his teammates, along with my own (especially Reo), were beginning to question it. And try as I might, I was having a difficult time understanding as to why I was doing this._ _This was all foreign to me. Why I wanted to be around someone as much as I did him. Granted, it did take months for me to begin to feel that way, but after that, there was no way to quell what I was experiencing. It was nearly winter when I decided I was going to cease this once and for all._

 **\- - -** Akashi fidgeted in his seat, eyes chancing a glance at the brunet who sat across from him. His nerves were ridiculously jittery, his mind constantly irritating him with numerous negative thoughts. It was annoying, to say the least, but as his fingers sought the small envelope in his pocket, he knew exactly why he was putting himself through the torture. Seijuro sighed inaudibly, switching his attention to his phone and sliding through the calendar of the upcoming events.

If he wanted to be back in Kyoto in time for some pointless meeting the student council had decided to hold on a Sunday, he would have to leave early that morning. Twelve hours back and forth every weekend was irritating, but he had done so ever since he and Kouki had started to become closer. The thought of seeing the other, even if it was only for a day, was enough to push the minor inconvenience aside.

It would be a much different story when summer finally rolled around.

"Ah." Kouki glanced at the tab that had been placed in front of them. "I can… I mean, you don't always have to pay for everything! Every now and then you should really let me. You're always taking me places on Saturday."

The stuttering tone of Furihata was enough to elicit a smile. Each time, Kouki would protest whenever they went somewhere, but in the end, Seijuro had always convinced him otherwise.

When they exited the café, Akashi rummaged through his pocket before grasping tightly onto the envelope. It was now or never. If he didn't go forward with this, he didn't know the next time he would be able to. Not with the millions of interruptions that he faced day in and day out.

"Furihata." He handed him the small bit of paper. "This is for you."

The other was completely puzzled. "Huh? What's this?"

"A bill," was the nonchalant response.

Furihata's eyes were like dinner plates. "W-what? I thought I told you that I would pay for stuff at times! You didn't have to keep-!"

"It's not the bill you are thinking of." He was only granted an even more confused expression. "You'll find out for yourself when you open it."

Dumbfound, and now a tad reluctant, Kouki began to unseal the envelope. Freeing the small slip of paper, his eyes scanned the content, cheeks morphing into a rosy hue, his hands gripping the paper so tightly, Akashi was certain it was about to rip.

"I owe you rent… for living in your heart for the past two months?" he sputtered, form visibly shaking, "W-what is that supposed to mean?!"

Akashi sighed. He should have known this wasn't going to be as simple as he assumed, especially when he had taken great measures to plan this. Asking someone out needed to be special, or so he had learned, as he had no experience with this himself.

"You've never been asked out before, I take it."

Furihata continued to tremble, flushed skin now completely scarlet as he stared down at the paper. By his reaction, Seijuro knew he wasn't going to obtain an answer instantly, as much as he desired to know then and there.

But he would wait, if need be. He just hoped it wasn't going to take a week, or worse, longer. A day would be enough time to think it over, wouldn't it?

"I won't ask you for your answer now. Take all the time you need. I only wanted to present that to you." **\- - -**

 _Being how this was my first time in obtaining anything remotely close to an interest in someone, I was clueless if I was going about it the correct way. It took Kouki nearly a week - much to my dismay - to finally give me an answer, and even then, it wasn't still a solid one._ _To be rejected was one of the worst emotions_ _one can experience, but I learned the reason for his reluctance was because he too had never dated anyone. In a sense, that was a large relief to me, since now I wasn't the only one ignorant about the whole matter, but that also meant neither of us knew where to go from there._ _We started off slow, not really designing a path for us to follow. It was best to allow whatever happened to happen rather than having a plan. I suppose that was the merriment of it, to not pressure ourselves into thinking we had to follow through with a certain strategy._

 _Our intention was to keep it to ourselves, to allow no one to know that we were together, or attempting to be, especially with how delicate the situation was, but that lasted for all of three months. My teammates were beginning to wonder why every weekend I would travel to Tokyo instead of staying in the dorms as I typically did._

 _At first, I shrugged it aside, telling them there was no need for concern, but eventually I revealed to them, or at least to Reo, what was truly transpiring. He seemed hesitant, wondering if it was too soon_ _with all that I had undergone to take on a commitment as fragile as this, but when he realized the joy it brought me, he accepted. And from there on out, everything seemed to flow smoothly, precisely the way I had envisioned it. Kouki and I were flourishing, and our relationship solidifying._ _But all good things in life meet with hardship, and this was one I wasn't prepared for._ _Somehow, Father discovered what was developing, and the next weekend I was in Tokyo, I wasn't there to visit Kouki, but more so, because Father had demanded that we meet._

 **\- - -** Alone they sat, staring directly at one another from across the lengthy table that trailed over half the dining room. His father was seated in his usual place, fingers drumming the expensive teacup that lay untouched. The area was deserted, as his father had insisted there were to be no interruptions unless it was a dire emergency. A vital clue that informed Seijuro what this discussion was going to pertain to.

"I'm going to ask you this once, Seijuro." His voice was coldly stern. "Is what I've been hearing true? That you are indeed in a relationship with another male?"

Leaning back in the plush chair, Seijuro clasped his hands in his lap, crimson orbs eyeing the older man, awaiting the answer. Without question, his future hung in the balance. The answer he received would determine what way all went.

"Yes." The elder Akashi's lips twisted in a scowl. "What? You asked for the truth, and I gave it to you."

Masaomi continued to stare at him in utter silence. For so long that Seijuro grew tired of waiting for the discussion to continue. He knew he was _tarnishing_ the family name, he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he also knew that he no longer , there had been a time in his life where everything had to be set in stone, where he couldn't fuck up and had to follow in his father's footsteps if he wanted to succeed in becoming a great man.

But that was no longer his mindset, not when his concern was finally being something he hadn't been in a long time. Happy.

"And you admit it so freely? What is wrong with you, Seijuro?"

The younger shrugged. "Nothing is wrong with me, Father. Whether you wish to assume so, is another story."

"Do you have any idea of the consequences of your actions? What you could do to the family name? Your reputation? My reputation?"

Of course, he would bring himself into this. It wasn't anything less of what he expected from his father.

"I'm well aware of all of that, but my point still stands, and I have no intention of changing it any time soon, if ever."

His father continued to stare him down, dark eyes narrowed and lips pursed in a thin line.

"If that is your wish, then here is my final offer. Either you abandon this abomination you call a relationship, or I will no longer set eyes upon you."

The response was instantaneous, words flowing from him before he even had a chance to reconsider, if he ever had any intention to.

"I suppose we will no longer be seeing each other then."

"Do not force my hand, Seijuro."

Seijuro pushed back from his chair, rising to full height before gracing his father with one last glance of defiance.

"You don't have to. I made my own decision long ago." **\- - -**

 _That was the last time I saw Father. I returned to Kyoto, having to explain to Kouki that I had a few matters I needed to deal with, and apologized for not spending our usual time together. The weeks after that were grim. I was able to finish my school year, but not my final one. With Father no longer paying for my schooling, I was forced to end high school early, as I needed to work full time to support myself._

 _It was difficult at first since I had never been on my own, but with time, I adjusted. I moved to Tokyo, of course, to be closer near Kouki, settling on an average-size apartment._ _A few weeks after, Kouki joined me there, following the blessing of his parents on our relationship. I was a bit envious to know he had parents that were so accepting, and it made me a trifle sad because that was exactly what you were. I know that even though you aren't around, that you would never cease caring for me because of the path I've chosen._ _Of course, even if I felt content, there was rarely any upset in life I conquered without someone worrying for me along the way. About a week after we settled in, Reo stopped in for a visit._

 **\- - -** It was after six when he returned home from work. Kouki had a game with an opponent an hour away, so he wouldn't be home until later. Given the facts, Akashi assumed he would be without company for the evening, and was more than surprised to find his former teammate huddling outside his door.

After letting him inside, they were speechless for a period, Akashi's gaze wandering over to the brooding elder. Reo seemed to have something heavy on his mind that he didn't wish to voice, but he'd had quite a long day, and the last thing he wanted was to sit here for the next hour and play guessing games.

"Reo. What is the reason for your unexpected visit so late in the evening? Why have you come?"

The other frowned, turquoise orbs solemn and face pinched with anxiety.

"I know something is bothering you, Sei-chan. After all…" His gaze flickered to the multicolored eyes across from him. "You're in _that_ form."

Seijuro only huffed in response. It was impossible to conceal the changes in who ruled him now that he'd learned of the other him.

"I'll admit that, yes, at times, there are things that trouble me, but they're minor inconveniences. You shouldn't be worrying about me, Reo. Not when I'm doing the best I have in a long time."

"But dropping out of school? No longer being able to play basketball? Something you once, and probably still, love?"

He inwardly cringed at the last question.

"It wasn't as hard as you seem to think it was."

A partial lie, as he knew that was anything but the full truth.

"I'm just worried, Sei-chan. Are you happy here? Being out of school? Being out of the team? Being out of your _life_?"

Akashi's brow lowered. "Being out of my life? I'm in my life right now. So a few events have changed, and I'm no longer treading the same path, but I'm still pursuing the road I desire. I have everything I want right here, and I have no intentions on giving any of it up."

His companion was mute, giving him the opportunity to press on and continue his declaration.

"If you wish to know the truth, I have desired this life for quite a while now. To where I'm no longer following anyone's orders, trying to be someone who isn't me. To break away from the sheltered life, and understand what it truly means to live normally."

The wavering cast of the other's lips gave way to a benevolent, if subtle smile.

"Then I'm happy for you, Sei-chan. I always thought a little normalcy would do you good, but that's hard to come by sometimes, isn't it?"

"Very."

Crossing the cramped room, Mibuchi eliminated the space between them, dropping down at his side on the sofa as he might have done in the days before his life had altered. The action filled him with a sense of comfort, and he realized that, wrongly as it now appeared, he had feared that his choice would take more from him that it actually had. To find that his friendship still lay in tact gave him an immediate rush of relief.

"I think I'll probably always worry about this, but as long as you're doing well, I can put those worries to rest at the end of the day. Promise me you won't try to hide anything from me to spare my feelings. I'll always be here if you need my help."

Seijuro returned the light expression. He had no cause to doubt that now. **\- - -**

Jotting down the remainder of what flowed to mind, the pen finally came to a halt. Seijuro rose from the chair, cringing when his stiff muscles protested with a loud pop. How long had he been sitting there? With how rigid his limbs were, he wanted to assume it was at least over an hour. Placing the letter aside, he tucked it safely in one of his spare folders, and flicked off the lamp.

 _Reo has always been a worrywart, as if that isn't obvious by now. To his credit, however, his worries came to an end when he realized that I truly was content. Aside from his concern, the other matter plaguing me was Kouki._ _The day Father no longer wanted anything to do with me, he blamed himself. Something I had been dreading since I told him of our discussion. None of this was his fault. It was my own decision, but it didn't matter how many times I repeated himself, the answer wouldn't stay drilled in his head. And when he found out I had to drop out of school, well… that was an even larger disaster._

Entering the room, Akashi was surprised to find the bedside lamp lit, and even more surprised to find Kouki sitting up beneath the covers, a look of concern within his sleepy features. Kouki frowned, hazel irises peering up at his lover as he stepped into the room.

He pushed the sheets back, edging in beside his companion,whose expression was decidedly wary.

"Why are you awake, Kouki? You do know it's after four in the morning, don't you?"

Kouki shifted, eyes wandering around the room. An action he did when he was reluctant to voice what was on his mind.

"What's wrong, Akashi-san? I know something has to be."

Akashi's composure didn't alter.

"Why do you ask?" His impending answer was delivered in the form of a lie, knowing if he told the truth, it would only startle him. "Everything is fine."

Furihata shook his head. "No," he mumbled, "I know it's not."

 _Even if I might be trained in keeping everything to myself, Kouki always seems to find a way inside those defenses. I've come to the conclusion that I can't hide anything from him, not anymore. How he found out about my decision about school wasn't through others, nor from my own words, but merely by reading my emotions, learning who I was as a whole._

"Kouki, just because I wasn't in bed, that doesn't-"

He froze when said teen reached over to place a gentle hand on his cheek, fingers skidding upward until they rested beneath a single, radiant gold orb.

"Your eyes," he whispered, "but also you never get out bed during the night unless it's really important. When it's not for work, you like to go to bed early."

 _It was becoming harder to conceal anything that was bothering me. At times, I felt annoyed at myself for ever informing him about the other me, because now he knew that when something was off, the other Seijuro would be present. Not to mention, I'm almost certain I may have frightened him when he learned his lover had another personality. It was something, try as I might, I could never be rid of. And in a way, I suppose it was a relief to know that he knew my secret._

"I have a lot on my mind, but it's nothing you need to concern yourself over."

Furihata was frowning once again.

"But-"

Seijuro placed a hand on top of the dark tresses to glide his fingers through the disorderly locks.

"I'm fine, Kouki. How could I not be when I have you here with me?" He grinned fondly when the other's cheeks changed hues. "Go back to sleep. I'm not going to get up again until it's really morning."

 _There lies a problem, though. As caring and concerned Kouki is about me, I'm not a hundred percent sure about his exact feelings. I know he has stated, embarrassingly, that he cares for me, but I'm not sure if it goes past that. I sometimes wonder if the only reason he's here with me now, is because he feels he's at fault for all that has happened, and the thought is terrifying. To know that one day I may lose him, whether it's because of a lack of feelings, or to someone else._

"Kouki," he inquired into his now dozing companion's ear, "Will you stay with me forever? Never leave my side no matter what happens?"

His lover mumbled incomprehensibly in his sleep, a droplet of saliva dripping onto the pillow beneath and causing the other to chuckle softly.

"I hope that was your way of saying you will. …I need you very much."

 _I can only hope he feels for me at least half of what I do for him._

* * *

Smoothing out the small wrinkle in his suit, Akashi tucked the letter from the other night in his side pocket, eyeing the mirror for one final check. A small creak behind him caused him to shift his attention, mismatched orbs focusing on the disheveled form of his still half-asleep lover.

"Ah, Kouki. Did I wake you? I didn't mean to."

 _With the anniversary of your passing within reach, tomorrow I will visit. I know it's been quite some time now, so I do hope you'll forgive me. I would like to bring Kouki along to meet you. I know you'll love him as much as I do, but that's his choice, so I can't promise anything right now. He tends to shy away from situations that make him feel as though he's a burden._

"Are you going somewhere?" He was once again suspicious. "It's really early for you to be up, especially when you don't work."

"I am, yes. I have somewhere I need to be."

Following that, the room was silent. Furihata stood motionless in the doorway, lips twitching, but no words emerging. Akashi could only assume he felt he was beginning to pry too deep.

"Today's the anniversary of my mother's passing, and it's been a while since I last saw her."

A squeak resounded throughout the small den.

"Oh!" Kouki's face was mournful. "I'm sorry I got too nosy. I shouldn't have asked! I-I'm sure she'll really like that. I'll leave you to that then!"

But his arm was carefully grabbed before he was able to retreat back into the bedroom.

"Kouki." He studied the emotions passing through the hazel eyes. "I hoped you might accompany me."

 _I know that when I ask him, he'll become defensive, stating that is something he shouldn't be a part of. That it's none of his business, and he would feel extremely awkward. To be honest, I'm a bit hesitant to ask, as I'm still unsure of his true feelings for me, but I know this is something I really want. So I will ask no matter what._

"W-what?" he exclaimed, flabbergasted by the request, "That's really personal! I can't be there for that!"

"I really would like you to." Seijuro swallowed thickly, debating if he wanted to voice his next words. "I want to introduce her to the person I hope to spend the rest of my time with."

Silence. Kouki's eyes were wide, though his expression was as bottomless as the ocean's depths. Akashi couldn't discernif it was one of shock or if something else was rippling beneath the surface. Either way, he had the sense he had been too forward in by stating so boldly how he felt.

"I apologize," he sighed, mostly at himself, "I was being too forward." He released Kouki's arm and stepped away. "You don't have to come. I'll return within a few hours."

Only now it was his turn to be tugged at gently. Kouki's smile was wobbly, fingers still clenching the material of the other's suit in his grasp.

"C-can you give me a few minutes to get ready? I don't want to go looking like this… I want to make a good impression on her."

 _However, even though I've known him for some time now, there are always the moments he can surprise me, catch me off guard. Those moments when I'm not too prideful to admit to myself I was erroneous, to know that my over-thinking had been the cause of my grief after all._

Arriving within ample time, Seijuro rounded the rows until they reached another portion of the cemetery. There he found the memorial he had been searching for. Pushing back his impending emotions, he heaved a gust of air, and placed the letter in a secure place where it would be kept safe from any weather mishaps, and where no one would discover its whereabouts. He stepped back, staring at the elegant script written on the granite, and began to softly speak.

"Hello, Mother, it's been some time now. I hope you are well." He peered over at his shaky companion. "Mother, this is Furihata Kouki. The one I've written to you about."

Kouki's forehead wrinkled at the tail end of his sentence. Reaching for his hand, Akashi guided him to his side, expecting his lover to remain silent as they stood. He had brought him here, but he didn't expect him to remark until after they had left.

 _I often wonder if Father visits you as well. It would be extremely degrading if not. For no matter how much I may loathe him now, I knew for certain he always loved you, still does. So it would seem wrong if he never broke away from his busy schedule to come and visit you every now and then. If he hasn't, don't fret. I'll be there soon, and hopefully Kouki will as well._

Yet to his astonishment, Kouki did. Akashi listened in awe as his lover slowly and shakily introduced himself to her, telling her it was nice to finally make her acquaintance.

 _After this visit, I'll be sure to write to you every now and then, and visit when I can. I still have a lot to make up for, given the moments I lost when I was hindered from controlling my own actions. In due time, I hope you'll forgive me, and maybe down the line, I may forgive Father, but now is not the time. Tomorrow will be all about you, and I have every intention of assuring that will happen._

He watched through a hazy view as Kouki placed a small bundle of flowers he had brought along down on the soft soil. The sight alone was enough to squeeze at his heart. A beautiful yet tragic image that would be forever embedded in him.

 _Even if we cannot speak, I hope you are able to fathom my words, and realize the love I have for you has never once faded._ _That much, I wish for you to know._

* * *

Rain had started to fall when they returned home, only enhancing his miserable state. With how exhausted he was both mentally and physically, Seijuro immediately collapsed on their bed, burying himself in a cocoon of warmth, and drifted off. The day had been an emotional one. Between the visit with his mother and pondering over Kouki's true feelings, he was absolutely drained.

 _I should end this soon before I begin to ramble on, but I just want you to know, I miss having you here. You were the only one who allowed me to grow according to my own preferences. After your passing, I was forced to follow Father's instruction, and if I disobeyed, he would only make me feel worthless about myself._ _Happiness was forever lost when you were taken away from me, and I knew for certain then that I would never find it again._

It was nearing evening when a creak echoed into the room. Cracking his eyes open, Akashi's blurry gaze focused on the figure standing in the door frame. Kouki was studying him with a look of concern, his bright eyes centered on the bundle in the middle of their bed. Gracing him with a blank stare, Akashi's gaze sealed, allowing him to drift back off once again.

"Um," Furihata mumbled, "Akashi-san?"

Akashi shifted, but remained lodged in the blanket cocoon. It wasn't that he didn't wish to grant his lover attention. He simply didn't have the energy to do so.

"Sei?" The rare yet affectionate nickname pulled him from his stupor, and he cautiously returned his gaze to the one in the doorway. "I'm sorry for waking you up… but I've never seen you act like this before, so I'm… really worried..."

 _Never again did I think I would, but one day, I was blessed with it once more._

Waking him? How long had he been out? Unraveling himself from the blankets, he half sat up to face Kouki with a lifeless gaze.

"What time is it?" he croaked, voice still hoarse.

"Er, almost seven o' clock."

 _And since that day, though there have been somber moments, especially when I think of you, I've never been happier. I can only hope that Kouki's feelings are reciprocal, or at least on somewhat of the same level._

"I'm sorry, Kouki. You must be famished."

"It's okay. I'm fine. I was more worried about you."

Akashi nodded, offering him a weak smile in return. How appropriate for his lover to be more concerned over others. It was hard to lecture him on that when he knew full well he put Kouki above himself on a regular basis.

"I'll be out in a bit, and then we'll figure out dinner, okay?"

He peered over the immobile form. Kouki seemed hesitant about something, but just as he was about to question the cause, the silence was broken.

"Um, Sei…"

Akashi tilted his head to display he was listening.

"What you said this morning, I-I do, too."

His brows furrowed. "You what?"

"When you didn't think I did."

The teen was practically speaking in riddles, and he wasn't in the mood with how exhausted he felt.

"I'm not following you, Kouki."

Kouki huffed petulantly, cheeks ablaze, before shouting his truth.

"I want to stay with you too, okay?! Geez, you can be so oblivious sometimes!"

Stomping out of the room, humiliation still fresh, Akashi watched in amusement as his lover nearly tripped on something in his path. His heart, which had been weighed down since the morning, now seemed lighter. The lightest he was sure it had ever been.

Kouki felt the exact same about him as he did about him.

 _Each day is an adventure. Each journey will always bring something new, but I'll take the bad with the good anytime. As long as he can remain by my side._

Detangling himself from the blankets, he rushed after his mortified lover, who had already made his way into the kitchen to shelter behind the counter.

 _I hope the next time I write you, that things will be a bit brighter._ _If they aren't already._

"Kouki," he crooned, "Come out from behind there. I want you to repeat what you just said to me moments ago."

Furihata gripped the counter's edge, fending off any of the former captain's persuasion methods.

"No! It's not working this time! You practically forced me to say that! You were ignorant on purpose!"

 _With all my love,_  
 _-Seijuro_


End file.
